Living Selflessly in Sobriety

If asked to invest time in anyone but myself in my 20s, I probably would have laughed. I was too busy socializing or growing my career. Through my 30s, I was too absorbed in my budding family or putting time and effort into becoming a burgeoning alcoholic to care about much else. I certainly wasn’t concerned about the welfare of others.

Now that I’m in my 40s and living with a renewed sense of purpose in sobriety, I’m finally trying to act more selflessly by helping others on a regular basis. It feels fantastic. One of the myths about volunteering – at least one I believed for many years – is that it’s a completely selfless endeavor. That’s patently false. Volunteering benefits your physical and mental health; offers a sense of purpose and values; and helps nurture and foster relationships with others, according to the Mayo Clinic.

In other words, helping others is selfless AND makes you feel great. Like so many other revelations in recovery, I wish I would have taken this concept to heart long ago. It’s therapeutic to get outside yourself – I’m constantly fighting pride and ego. My sometimes-pessimistic outlook and narcissistic tendencies can be exhausting to myself and others. It does me good to chew on the fact that nothing significant sets me apart or above the other 8 billion people on earth. I’m not that special. We’re all in this together.

While I could volunteer in a soup kitchen or read to underprivileged children (both are certainly laudable efforts), I’ve chosen to embark on a few selfless acts I’m more uniquely qualified to supply courtesy of my background and skill set. How I’m giving back:

• I work with others in recovery or considering treatment. I share my experience (successes and failures) with those who are struggling in addiction; speak to patients who are undergoing inpatient treatment; write, publish and publicly share my recovery journey with others; and attend AA meetings on a regular basis. I’ve found my story resonates for many in the recovery community – at least anecdotally.

• I teach and practice martial arts. I earned my black belt in my late teens and practiced and taught others on and off for nearly 20 years. After about 10 years out of the discipline, I’m back at it. I’m now teaching children and adults grace, poise, confidence, self-defense and that fitness is paramount to wellbeing a couple times a week.  

• I work at a nonprofit children’s hospital. My career is in communications and public affairs. I’ve dedicated most of it to working at not-for-profit healthcare institutions. I get paid for my efforts. I’m not poor, but I could – and have – made more money at corporations or agencies. I intentionally choose to work at an organization that’s mission is to help others in need without the promise of mountains of money in return. I feel good about what I do when I roll out of bed 98 percent of the time, which helps fuel my performance.

• I invest loads of time, energy and support in my children. I know it doesn’t sound completely altruistic, but many parents aren’t there for their kids (I wasn’t when I was at my worst as an alcoholic) – or do so on a limited basis or only when convenient. Plenty of parents don’t spend much time, offer wisdom, give support or provide unconditional love to their children without strings attached. I see a part of myself in my children, but they are not me. I want to help them succeed as morally sound and productive members of society without the promise of a ROI.

Each of these endeavors give me purpose and satisfaction while simultaneously helping others in the process. That’s how selfless acts should feel, especially if we plan on repeating them time and time again. A little bit of self-fulfillment on my journey to be more selfless keeps me coming back to the table of contribution more frequently. It’s a practice I plan on maintaining – for myself and others – as long as I’m able. It feels good to be living outside of myself.