Life Is Challenging, Even in Sobriety

My oldest daughter had an epic meltdown at school. So much so, that she became physical with people and objects. Spring cleaning and moving my children to new rooms at my home has my house in disarray and kids on edge. My 3-year-old boy is potty training but still has accidents that can be messy and disgusting. Work is busy – with several important events on the horizon, multifaceted projects on my plate and communications plans to enact.

Life happens. Even when you’re sober.

The relationships are still hard to manage. Your kids are loud and need lots of attention. People bother you. Drivers cut you off in traffic. Money is tight. The winter is cold. Coworkers and colleagues demand you produce quality work and meet your goals and deadlines. Brussel sprouts taste like rotten tuna and Game of Thrones failed to stick the landing.

The key difference is that the obstacles are a lot easier to tackle when you’re sober. Exponentially so.

When I’m stressed, my sponsor typically asks me, “So, how are you planning to manage this shit and stay sober?” It’s a good question that I need lobbed in my direction every so often. My brain has healed post addiction – meaning my subconscious is no longer sending SOS signals urging me to drink when life gets tough. The incessant cravings that once dominated my life are gone. The further I get in sobriety, however, I’ve noticed moments when I conveniently forget how horrible my life in addiction had become. Part of me begins to believe I’d be okay having a drink or two – without consequence. The good news is that it doesn’t take long to come back to earth.

I quickly recall the days of trying to manage the responsibilities of fatherhood and personal and professional obligations before recovery. It was absolutely exhausting. Read the first chapter of my book for a vivid depiction. On top of life, I had to manage incessant thoughts of alcohol while feeling like death – headaches, sweating, anxiety, aches, nausea – nearly all the time. It was like have an extra child. Or two. While getting slammed in the head with a sledgehammer.

These days, I have a clear mind. I’m physically capable of chasing and lifting my kids or moving their mountains of toys. My anxiety and panic are mostly gone and manageable. I aim to think logically when faced with obstacles, come up with solutions and move forward. How do I work through a difficult week like this? I consulted with loved ones, trusted friends and colleagues. I was sure to eat a balanced meal each day and make it to get to the gym. I made plans at work and home and set some reasonable deadlines. I hit an extra AA meeting.

For the most part, I’ve stopped trying to control those around me. I know I can only control myself and how I react to others. It’s a practice I’ve adopted that has made me less resentful and irritable. If you’re a member of the recovery community, you’ve probably heard something similar. If not, maybe you’ve heard about the practice from the likes of Mel Robbins and her popular book “The Let Them Theory” book. It’s worth a read.

When life gets heavy, I’m not trying to escape any more. A few years ago, stress would have been alleviated with alcohol. After a temporary reprieve, I’d end up worse for the wear, without coming up with solutions to the obstacles in my life. Now, I’m present nearly 100 percent of the time. I practice showing up daily. Even when my toddler surprises me with a smelly accident.