18 Months of Sobriety Sparks Mixed Feelings

I celebrate 18 months sober this week. Life is the best it’s been in nearly every facet spanning back about as long as I can remember. It’d be nice, but I’m not asking for a parade to be thrown in my honor. Recovery doesn’t even feel like much of an accomplishment at this point – as it did when each month ticked by during the first year of my sobriety.

In fact, recovery feels as if it’s been a part of my life much longer than 1.5 years.

Time – especially as it passes – is deceiving. Likely because its relative. When you’re a child, three months of summer seem like eternity. The growth and acquired maturity between a 4- and 8-year-old is staggering. Now, a year flashes by in a blink. The physical attributes and mental acuity changes between a 50- and 55-year-old are negligible to anyone outside of the person who is aging.

My life in sobriety feels different. Time is moving slowly again. I was reborn when I got sober. I started a new life after nearly 25 years of excessive consumption spiraled into eventual unabashed alcoholism. I was 40 when I got sober. I’m 42 now. It feels as if it’s been a decade since I last drank.

I was so eager to put the past behind me after falling so far. That has happened. Every element of my life – especially my mental, physical and social health – has improved exponentially. My professional and personal life are on an upward trajectory. If I set a goal, I feel as if I can achieve it. The sky is the limit. That’s why it’s hard to grasp the reality that 19 months ago, I was barely functioning as an adult.

So, instead of joy today, the No. 1 feeling is guilt. I’m embarrassed and ashamed it took me so long to get sober. I don’t like who I was and how I was operating. Why did it take so long to open my eyes? I’m upset and disappointed in myself when I reflect on the reality of sunk time deriving from years under the influence. Squandered potential, lost opportunities and failed relationships fester and bubble to the surface. It stings.

I’ve aware that descending into shame spiraling uncoils a defeatist gambit that ultimately that leads to a “fuck-it” mentality. I’m not planning on taking that path. I have too many reasons to live. Life is full of promise. Each day brings joy. Most importantly, my program of recovery has taught me how to drop resentments, make amends, live life with purpose and operate with gratitude.

It still pains me to look at the car wreck of my life past.

The truth is, I’m an infant in sobriety. That’s okay. I aim to appreciate that time has slowed. I’m glad I can cherish it – like the summers of my youth.

(Separate note: I filmed a recovery video for Eosis marketing campaign. It’s the parent company of the treatment facility I attended. Check it out here or above.)